I've thought about it... the more I do the more I realize that the only reason I was with Vern was because Steve couldn't be there for me... he can't be here 24/7 on speed dial... well... he can be on speed dial... he was for 11 months... but... he can't call me anytime he wants and can't go out and do things with me... he can't be here to do those couple things couples do... Really... I was just using Vern to make myself feel better because the man I loved (still love) can't be here for me... but... i don't know... the only way that Steve and I could ever truly be together is if we moved to the same part of the world... I still want to go to Australia... that has never changed... I still want to learn to surf... I'm still not going to wear a full set bikini unless Steve is the one who buys it... (the deal was that if I wore a bikini then Steve would teach me to surf)... I really hope that after we've both taken care of our shit... that we'll have a second chance... it sounds weird that I would  end up saying (again) my boyfriend lives in Australia... but... it's the comforting words "my boyfriend" that mean everything... I love Stephen Brian Davies! I have since midAugust 2005... that's when he said he loved me and i responded without thinking that I loved him too... which I do... always have... always will...

 

I love u Steve Davies! I hope that we get our second chance... we've only not been together for 2 months... two long horrible regrettable months...

 

What do I do now? Do I just beg for Steve to take me back? Do we count it as not breaking up but as a break to see other people... He did say that if something else came along that I shouldn't hesitate to go for it... he said this from the beginning... Steve had said it both sober AND drunk... which I really didn't like it when he was drunk... Hopefully... maybe... I can get him to drink half as much as he does/did... Maybe... he'll come and visit me in the spring... or next summer... though... now i'm in college it's going to be even more difficult to have a relationship...

 

The main idea here is that I was an idiot to break up with Steve. He loved me as much as I loved him and I blew my chance to continue being the happiness level I was. I'm miserable without Steve in my life. U don't know what u have until u have lost it...

 

More lata today?

I've done nothing and a few things... I've taken a shower, I've updated somethings, I'm watching "Annapolis", I've eaten chocolate ice cream, i'm hanging out with Sparky... we're not doing much... we're just hanging out... I'm doing nothing... i'm checking out some websites... that's it...

I had Ramon noodles, two applesauces, water, a big glass of apple juice...

I watched Princess Diaries 2...

I talked to Newton, Doc, and David...

I updated my journal...

 

Now I'm going to watch Annapolis without distraction and read a chapter from my book and make a list to do tomorrow...

 

I'm still really depressed... but... I'm getting over it... I guess the only reason I'm upset is that I never lied to Vern and he broke up with me because he believed I had... I don't lie! Lying to ur parents... that's different... Lying to ur boyfriend... that's something I've never done and never will do... No matter what! I see a relationship with a guy almost like being married... u care about each other... u feel sexual attraction... the only thing missing is "i love u" everyday, waking up next to each other, and a ring on the finger... I know that if I had stayed with Steve that we could have done that when he was here... we could have woke up next to each other and said i love u everyday he was here... the ring comes much later in the relationship...

 

Anyways...

 

More tomorrow...