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Why must everything be so complicated? Why must trying to be friends with someone you dated be complicated? Why must
LOVE be complicated? I got a messege from Vern. He still wants to be friends, which is okay because I'm friends with all my
exes. I was friends with my exes before we were an item. I don't want to call Steve an ex though. I don't because he's not
an ex. He's the guy I want to be with for the rest of my life. I don't like playing the "What if?" game but sometimes it just
happens... in my case it happens with many situations. This time the what if game is about Steve (like many many times before).
What if we got back together? What if he did come here this winter/summer and we met? Could we forget the month and a half
we weren't together? Could we get past it? Could we act like the two months was just "a break"? Could we really put it in
a box and let it float away from us? Could we spend the rest of lives happy like we were before I did what I did? I would
hope that we talk about it and then come to an understanding that my patience is gonna need work and that I will never break
his heart again... which I won't. I swear I will never break his heart again because hearing his sad voice was enough to know
that he loves me and that I hurt him. I love him more than anything. He is Noah Ark (the Notebook guy). He is my first and
only love. He is the man I see in fulfilling my future. I hope that we talk this weekend. I'm hoping I can get a phone card
and talk to him on the phone. Unless my mic and cam work. My cam worked last time. I'm thinking I might start sending him
videos too though. Videos of my life everyday. I miss him so much. I hate that he's so far away... I lived with that for 10
months. I can do it again for another 10 months... more than ten months... I could do it for years if I really wanted to...
but... honestly, I want to be with him physically. I want to hold his hand, kiss him, hug him, feel his skin, laugh with him,
and everything you see regular couples doing. Could we do that? He says that could be here his summer our winter. I wish I
knew that he had meant his summer when he told me I would have to wait for the summer before he could be here. I don't know
if he would like the winter here in Michigan though. Maybe he would. Maybe we can still get together and do everything we
had planned. If he did come here this winter (his summer), then the moment I saw him... I would run and jump in his arms.
Wrapping my legs around his waist and kiss him. Let him hold me for as long he could. I would just want to feel his body against
mine as I stood as high as I could to wrap my arms around his neck and hug him. Showing him that I missed him so much and
I love him so much. Show him that he is the only man I've ever felt this way about. The only man I truly loved and not lusted.
I would be more than happy to take one semester off every year just to go and visit him or have him visit me. All I would
want is to lay in his arms feeling his heart beat with mine. That's all I ever wanted. Something else to ponder about is if
forgiveness will come with a price? I hurt him. His heart has ached for nearly 2 months. I cried for a month and tried to
move on for a month. I can't move on. I think it's because you can't move on if you are truly in love. If you don't move on
because he's the only one on your mind, then he's your true love. Since I met Steve a year ago... I haven't thought about
anyone but him... I can say all this and mean it... but to truly believe it... He would have to see it, feel it, hear it...
More tomorrow...
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