God, why can't I be happy? Why is it so impossible for me to be happy? I am with the man of (literally) my dreams! He is EVERYTHING a girl could ask for. Yeah true he lives a million miles away but it doesn't matter. What matters is that he has still been there for me. No, he hasn't wrapped his arms around when something awful happens. No, he hasn't seen me cry (okay well... sorta). He hasn't held my hand or kissed me or hugged me or held me close for me to cry. It doesn't matter to me. He said he loved me and now... now I think he's thinking otherwise. He thinks that "confessing" means "I've been stupid and I've cheated"... maybe that's not what he thinks but I've heard that line sooooo many times! I could write a book on how I fell in love online and how nothing matters that he hasn't been there for me physically. To hold me, to kiss me, to hug me tight, to hold hands with me, to laugh, to wrestle around with, to play games with... I have NO doubts. I was thinking too much when I was on vacation. When I think too much I think irrationally. I would NEVER hurt Steve like I did before. I'm not planning on breaking up with now or ever. He's stuck with me. Even through death. It's funny... but I already wrote and rewrote my vows for him. Only rewrote once. I really hope he understands. I wish he wouldn't have wrote me and just talked to me. I found my cam. I haven't found  my mic but my cam has a built in mic.

 

I think that book idea I've been searching for... I think I found it. Steve jokes about it but I think I really am going to write about how we met and how in love we are. If he's having doubts then.... I don't know... I'm scared. I don't want to lose him. And I don't want him thinking that there would EVER be anyone else.

 

I believe that you can only TRULY LOVE ONE PERSON! I'm hoping that Steve is my one person. I know he is but there are so many things that have to go with it. All we do is talk. I LOVE talking to him. I wouldn't give it up for anything. I wouldn't trade for what we have anything better either because you can't get any better than what Steve and I have.

 

I do understand what Steve is seeing. I do understand why he would think what he does. I do understand why there would be doubts. It's not like guys don't notice me and I notice them noticing that and feel a little special by it. But the rule is "look but dont touch". I havne't really looked at all. When I said that school would be first I meant it.

 

All I want Steve to reassure me on is that we're going to make it through my semester. I want to talk to him so much and haven't gone out since I got back because I've been busy cleaning for once and then also I won't be able to talk to him very much when school starts. I just wanted him to say "Chill, babe, I love you and there is nothing that will change that". It's not so hard to say in fact I'll say it now "Chill, Steve, I lovee you and ther is nothing that will change that."

 

I also don't know what pisses me off more. Him not just talking to me online and figuring this out. Yeah it's our first fight but... we have to work it out.

 

Or that he said not to call him after I read his email. I wish he could see me crying about this. I have done NOTHING unfaithful. Not now not ever!!!!!!!!!!

 

I also am a little mad that he would go ahead and say that there is someone else. If there was someone else I wouldn't be with him a second time.

 

You want me to go overboard! I WILL! I was with Steve the first time for 10 months! He broke promises true but I still loved him! Because he always made up for it in his own personal way! I broke up with him cause we had bad communication and I wanted what I wanted THEN! I was impatient and immature and selfish! I'll admit that. I waited a month before I was with another guy. I would have waited longer but I was smiling with that guy. We broke up because all I did was talk about Steve. And the fact that I "freaked out" and "scared" the poor guy. I have my reasons. But that is over and done with. I was single for 3 weeks before Steve and I got back together. Ask Pril, ask Sparky, ask my parents, read my journal... it all says that I have thought about NO ONE else but Steve. I wouldn't care if my "soul mate" was sitting in front of me. I dn't believe in soul mates. I love steve and i want steve and i need steve. That is it. STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE! If he is going to sit there and not talk to me and just wait for a stupid email. What does that say? I want to call him because I feel like it's a test... but at the same time I want to respect his wishes. If I fail the test then... I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll probably cry for a month... no.. I'll cry longer. i have school to think about though. School starts on the 5th and he's bringing up this shit now? God, Steve, why make life plans if we're just gonna get hurt. I don't want to start something now that is just going to end later. But I did because I dont' think it's going to end! I KNOW IT"S NOT GOING TO END UNLESS U PULL THE PLUG! Please dont' pull the plug. My heart and body are yours. I won't lose you without a fight. My friend Terra said that if a guy accuses u of doing something then it might just mean that he is doing it himself. I know steve... I know he would never hurt me. I hurts me now that he would even THINK that there was someone else.

 

I'm going to stop now before I say something I don't mean or something that can't be unsaid. I don't want to break up. I want to get through my first semester of college, pick Steve up from the airport, spend two amazing weeks with him, and then repeat that as often as possible. I even want to take off a whole semester just to go and be with him in Australia. I want all this. First thing is first. Get through our first fight and make sure that he understands that there what I wrote was immature and stupid and I don't want anyone else but him. Second is to hear him say that he loves me. Third is to get through school. And so on and so forth.

 

I LOVE YOU STEVE! PLEASE DON'T THINK I DON'T AND PLEASE DON'T THINK THERE WILL EVER BE ANYONE ELSE OR THAT I WILL HURT U AGAIN. UR NOT THE ONLY ONE STILL HURT FROM BEFORE!

 

I LOVE YOU! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CONTACT ME!

 

This is the last weekend I have free. I hope to talk to you and I hope that we can get through this high hill in our smooth road. I love you!

 

Okay so he is still thinking that when i said said and thought... it meant something totally wrong... truth be told... I had a couple of sexual (VERY SEXUAL) dreams about Sparky... One was us having major sex in the kitchen and one was us having sex in the shower and one was having sex at my grandparent's house... it's sooooooooooooooo embarrassing but i guess if i write it on here... I just... IT WAS A PRIVATE THOUGHTS THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO SHARE TO THE WORLD! I HAD SEXUAL DREAMS ABOUT MY BEST FRIEND SPARKY! HE'S LIKE A BROTHER TO ME SO THAT MAKES IT EVEN WORSE!!!!!!!!!! TRUST ME STEVE... IF U WANT DETAIL I'LL GIVE U DETAILS BUT IT WAS JUST A COUPLE OF DREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LUV SPARKY AS MY FRIEND!!!!!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW I'M SOOOOOOOOOOO GROSSED OUT NOW... I THINK I'LL JUST DROWN IN THE SHOWER NOW...

 

My boyfriend is pissed at me, my dad is pissed at me, my best friend Sparky won't go near me cause I've been crying, I can't call my boyfriend because I don't think he would answer plus he's at work, I wanna walk out...

 

I have so much that has gone on this summer... Too much drama to type up... I've concluded that I am going to get through this argument with Steve and then talk to him about what I've wanted to since I got back. It includes me, him, communication, and school. I could say what I want to tell him right now... but I would rather tell him so that he can hear my voice. I still haven't found my fucking cell phone... the battery is dead... I want to call him but I think that we need to both chill out and breathe. I will resolve this issue with him and then we can move on with our relationship. We can talk about how we can communicate better or somehow talk while he's working his ass off and i'm studying my ass off... Maybe he and I can try and talk once a weekend. It isn't much but it's a start. Maybe we can just email back and forth everyday. Tell each other about our day. He can be my journal. I'll be his. God, I don't want to lose you, Steve!...

 

I really hope that we meet this xmas cause we are getting more and more frustrated everyday we're not together. Maybe I'll get a job and get that last 1500 I need to fly out to Australia to see him. He said he would fly out here first. At least he understands that him coming here first is only so my parents know I won't get killed if I flew out there. He understands me. I don't think he knows me as well as he thinks if he thinks that I'd do anything unfaithful. I feel like I'm married to him I'm so happy with him...and... I... I act like we're married. That's how I keep myself faithful. I know that I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I don't need or want to think about anyone else (except celebrity wise... fantasies don't hurt)....

 

I love you, Steve, and I hope we can work this out.